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Going In The Wrong Direction

Movement is supposed to be good, compared to being stuck. In an article today I read how looking for your purpose can make you feel stuck. Well that, and not being in control of your life. Since I handed in my control to the Jobcenter it’s like being back on that stormy sea again. I have a better boat, but I’m still sinking.

In my case the movement I’m experiencing right now is going in the wrong direction. It’s making me feel even more stuck. What am I going to do? This wasn’t supposed to happen.

All my adult life I have been looking for a job that I could do well, earn a decent living from, a job I could enjoy and feel I belonged there. I’ve had brief moments of this in my past – but always the bride’s maid, never a bride…

Karma karma chameleon

At one point I was in for my third job interview at an advertising agency. The room fell silent after my answer and there I was, sitting alone before a jury of employees with the CEO as a judge. He actually was a wise man, but not even he knew what to do with me.

At first they had offered me the job as manager of a small account, but the client chose another agency. Then they wanted to give me a chance as a project manager, but I said no and created the silence. I was more interested in graphic design, but didn’t have much to show for myself.

When I think back it’s actually strange that they wanted to give me a chance as a project manager, but not as a graphic designer. Why? I could have excelled if given the chance, and I hadn’t a lot of experience managing projects either.

Why is it, that they’d rather taken a chance with a project manager, one of the most important roles? I could have sunk the whole agency, if left unsupervised. As a graphic designer they could have given me the easiest assignments and a trial period. Nope.

No purpose, no hope

I can only conclude that it’s difficult to categorise me. “What are you? What’s you job title?” I don’t have one. I am all and nothing, at the same time. It confuses people, and makes me even more insecure.

Since I began writing more seriously I have experienced another reaction. “Anyone can write.” Yeah, sure! But can they write well? I don’t know if I can, but I still write better than most.

And there we are. Back to the beginning. I seem to have no purpose, and now I am forced to work in a customer service center. Unless a miracle happens, but I have stopped believing in miracles. Miracles give you hope, and hope brings dreams and illusions.

No. Better to keep it raw and real, ’cause reality sucks!



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